pathological wack-job

I have never been a man of subtleness. Just ask any of my friends. Nor have I ever been a man who is considered by any means reserved. I am loud, obnoxious, and down right forthright. I say things before I think them over, though most of the people I know would argue that I say things before I think. There is a difference, a small one yes, but a difference just the same. One of the things I am gifted with is the ability to lie. We can all lie (and do) from time to time, but it really is a gift of mine. I am a damn good liar. No, I know what you may be thinking right now, especially if you know me personally, but I am not one of those pathological wack-jobs that get a big stiffy from telling lies all the time. No, I am just admitting that I can weave a great lie if the situation calls for it.
There is an art to deception as well. We all have been practicing to master it for years against our parents (or bosses, girl/boy friends, ect.). Let me tell you, I have come up with some doozies in my lifetime. Most, if not all of the great lies have worked. I don’t mean to sound too boastful, but when it comes to deceiving my parents, one has to be good. My mother has the uncanny knack for sensing out the truth. Don’t all mothers have those truth-detectors installed after child birth? I mean, it’s like along with playing with Barbie’s, the Play-School Kitchen, and other toys which socially instill the tools they will “need” when they become stay-at-home-mom’s, young girls are also taught how to be able to learn if a child is lying or not. Anyway, it’s not entirely the point, but my mom can just use those piercing x-ray vision eyes to glare into me and my siblings soul and find out if we’re telling a lie or not. So, over the years I have honed my craft. The trick is, especially when you are telling one to your parents, is to look them straight in the eyes when you are telling the fib. Don’t look away, act confident, and never stutter. There are other subtle tricks to avoid detection as well that go along with this too, but I don’t want to belabor the point.
I have come to understand that there are really only two occupations which really suit my gift. One is a politician, obviously. I am a domineering control freak on top of that. No, that is one direction, if I was to choose it, which should give you nightmares only to wake up shouting “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” With your hands on your face like that Home Alone kid. I once shook Johnny Smith’s hand and he decided it was more important to come after me instead of Greg Stillson (Sorry, just finished the book last week). I could and would get elected, then watch out world, ‘cause you’re next.
The other occupation which would agree with my talent (if you want to call it that) is that of a writer. That’s right folks, lies my name—fiction my game. Step right up partners and sit a spell as I tell you a fantastic story so wonderful it’ll make you’re head spin right around backwards. You’ll say to me “Nuh-ungh—that ain’t true…” But I assure you; every word that comes out of my mouth is nothing other than the Gospel—So help me Judas. How ‘bout you sir, Mr. Pinstripes and Tie, how would you like to get away from the hustle and bustle, the whiney children, that nagging ball and—Oh!—this must be your lovely wife. Howdy do mam? As I was sayin’, how’d you like to get away and escape all this madness for a grand adventure on the high seas or to some exotic beach where Vavuula girls dance at your whimsy. How much would you pay? A million dollars—say that’s too much friend. What would you do if I told you—you could have that trip for only $12.99 ($14.54 Canada)?
All right, ‘nough fun. I know it is a long shot. But I also know I have some great—golden ideas for interesting stories. The real problem is not in the actual lie—for I am great at coming up with some doozies, but in the writing of it. Sad part of it is, though I can spin a good yarn, writing it is a different color. I have to face it that I am an average writer. So unless I can hire a cheap ghost writer (or a really good editor), I am afraid that you folks may be disappointed ‘cause it looks like politics for me. mwaHA mwahaHaHa mwaHaHaHaHAah!!!
Okay, ‘nough sharing for one night. I may have got a little carried away at times, but I blame that on the fact that I have been up for twenty-two hours now. And God knows not to give a tired man a keyboard. Next time I’ll try to write when I have had more sleep. Next time, if I remember, I’ll say something about the quarter coming up. [sarcasm warning] It’s goin’ to be a fun one.
Peace out peoples,
-sib-