Yes I'm Going to Hell, but...

Before I am sent there, the person who created this picture is going to join me. Yes, go ahead and take a long look at this picture before you read on. No. That wasn’t nearly long enough.
Okay, you can come back now.
If you were to look at this picture as many times as I have, or studied it as close as I have then you too might see what I see. At first it appears to be Jesus embracing one of his innocent flock right? Well, look again and I’ll tell you what I see. Sure, it’s not some random man holding his son (or yours), it is Jesus. But let’s take a closer look at that embrace. Sure, Jesus looks like he’s into it alright, with his hand caressing the back of the boys head softly. Or is he? Just check out that little boy up there. He really doesn’t seem that enthralled to be in this position what-so-ever. And Jesus' hand is forcably keeping the kid there, right?
It looks more like a picture of the nephew being held by his weird Uncle Mort. You know, Uncle Mort, who is always hugging him, and quite simply making poor little Daniel there feel all icky. And it’s not if he can refuse the hugs and whatnot, because it is Uncle Mort, and after all, he is Daniel’s only uncle. Daniel’s mom is always telling him he has to be good for his relatives. And ect.
Sorry if I got carried away, but I had to make sure I got that point across. I mean come on! Look at Jesus trying to make out with the poor little lad! And look at his poor little head turning away, as if it is the only avoidance he can muster. Thou shall not turn your God away! I think that is something like commandment 14 or something.
Anyway, it is the picture that hangs above my desk. I look at it from time to time and just shake my head slowly and say to myself, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” and click my tongue in disgust. You know, the way mom’s sometimes do when their little children knock over a lamp or something. I like to think of that picture as one of the many action figures that Goob and I created a long time ago while we were getting drunk at our old apartment on Snider. We created a whole list of Jesus-Action Figures, way before Conan O’Brian stole the idea for his show, which ultimately made our creation oh so much funnier. Figures like G.I. Jesus and Teen Idol Jesus, Over-dose Jesus and Hackysak Hippy Jesus. This Jesus on my wall is just another of the many Jesus action figures which I like to call, “Pedophiliac Jesus” or “Michael Jackson Jesus.”



Here is a list of some of the other figurines Chris and I came up with that night:
- Unabomber Jesus
- CEO Jesus
- Drug Dealer Jesus
- Secret Agent Jesus
- Nascar (Deluxe Special Edition) Jesus
- Transsexual Jesus Series
- Illegal Immigrant Jesus (comes with own barbed wire fence to climb)
- STD/VD Jesus
- Truck Driver Jesus
- Jock-itch Jesus
- Gigilo Jesus
- Porn Star Jesus
- High School Dropout Jesus
- Transient Jesus (who oddly enough looks like plain old Jesus)
- WWF Jesus
- Casual Sex Jesus (or the ever new popular Swinger Jesus)
- Prison Bitch Jesus
- Crucify Christ Playset with Sacrificial Lamb Jesus (“You and you’re friends can now play right along with those Jews and Romans as you crucify our Lord over and over again. Be the first kid on your block to hear the cries of Christ as he plead to his father one last time before he died... just by pressing the nail in on his right arm! Or you can hear the whips wail against his back when you put in the left! -Father to his sons, 'Come on Moses, Malaleel, and Mathusale... let's go crucify Christ one more time...' -kids, 'YAY!'” "Crucify Christ Playset comes with whip, spear, blood in the form of crappy 3:1 wine, crown of thorns, cross, mini-Golgotha mound, and thirty pieces of silver to mock in Christ's face as he dies over and over again... batteries not included... Collect all three Bible sets brought to you by 'Hellinahandbasket Toy Manufacturers'")

There were many others on the list, but the rest were quite retarded (did I mention that we were drunk that night? Hell, back then, what night weren't we?). But I thought I would share this with you guys, as I have to stare at this funny portrait every damnable day. I may be going to Hell one of these days. So save your lectures you crucifix-up-the-ass-Christians. I have heard it all before. All I am pointing out is though I am going to Hell, not only because I make fun of this picture, but because it is the reason I keep the damn thing up there in the first place. I am a Jesus-Freak, but not in the sense that you may think. I worship the man, but again, probably not in the way you think. Quite simply, the man is my hero (why I have so many pictures of him around… my wall-o-jesus…). Anyone who can die and have half the world worship the man, even two-thousand years after his death, deserves my respect. I want to be just like him and control the minds of everyone in the world after I die. Ha!
Well, all this blasphemous babble has gotten my mouth quite dry and I think I might go jump into a pool of holy water to refresh myself. OW! IT BURRRRNS! Hahamawaha-ha-ha! I guess I’m tired of sharing for now. If you guys have any you want to add to the list, just let me know.
Peace out peoples,
-sib-